Tag Archives: #theclaw

Hold your breath….close your eyes….hope for the best

When I titled this blog a couple of years ago, it was about my journey to get healthy. Let’s be honest, it wasn’t about a journey to get healthy…it was about a journey to lose weight. That’s my idea of “healthy”. When I re-purposed it as our infertility blog, it gained new meaning. Regardless of what you have going on in your life, you have to always keep looking ahead. So despite what events are happening , you have to keep trudging forward and put everything behind you. The good news is, you don’t have to forget them. You can look back and reflect on how they changed you, how they made you better or worse, and ultimately how they are impacting the road in front of you.

We have had a pretty insane last couple of months. I don’t want to get into particulars now, because there really isn’t anything I can say that will make me feel better about what has happened. There isn’t anything I can say that makes the rearview version positive….yet. There WILL be….just not yet.

All of this brings me to the point of today. My rearview mirror over the last 12 months has been filled with so many ups, downs, twists and turns. Today, the road in front of us will forever be changed. Our son, whom we worked so hard to have will be coming into this world whether he likes it or not. I can’t change that road…not that I would want to….and I can’t change what has happened to get us here. All I can do is hold my breath, close my eyes and hope for the best.

April 16, 2015 …… the day our road becomes a bit more crowded, scary, unpredictable and filled with so much uncertainty. While I am looking forward to our rearview mirror, because it’s not a bad thing to see how you allow life to change you, I am more looking forward to looking at our now.  See you soon baby Walker. You are already my now.

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7 months and my kid elbows me…

So I have been MIA for a bit.  Not intentionally, but not unintentionally either. I have fluctuated through various stages throughout my pregnancy (pregnancy and non-pregnancy related) and they have all been hard to for me to actually document…So here is a synopsis of what has been going on:

1) We went to Disney World.  Disney is WAY harder when you are pregnant and your husband won’t let you ride Tower of Terror.  On the plus side we met up with some friends and had a great time.

2) It was confirmed for me in November that I was carrying Jesse Walker’s clone, when the ultrasound pic was of him flexing his muscles (further confirmation comes later).

3) My child has a mind of his own, and decided to take part in a uterine contraction party a month or so ago. Between him and the uterine fibroid I have, they were putting on a show for the hospital and they kept me overnight for observation.

4) The uterine fibroid and baby Walker decided that the hospital event was a bonding moment, and they have since become BFFs and when he gets bored, he decided to elbow bump the fibroid…causing intense pain and leaving me unable to move sometimes.

5) Don’t go on a sugar and carb bender the days before your glucose test. You will fail and you will fail hard, and then you are forced on a diet that will make you long for the days when you could eat candy.

6) And finally, while I was sure I was carrying Jesse Walker’s child all along, it was 100% confirmed when the 3-D ultrasound showed what I am now calling the “Clone Wars” in my belly.  My child shows zero resemblance to me. When I say zero…I mean it could be less than zero!

 

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So after 7 months of being pregnant, I have learned a few things:

1) If you are married to a Walker and you decide to have children, just accept the fact that they won’t look like you. All Walkers look like the father and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

2) I am not someone who likes unsolicited advice, and having a child puts you on the receiving end of a TON of it.

3) Just when you have resigned yourself to not having the baby shower, some amazing people pop up and offer to host one.  Guess I shouldn’t have bought all of that stuff, huh?

4) Facebook exchange and referral groups are AMAZING places to find new and used gear and clothes, as well as solicited advice to questions that you ask! I highly recommend find ones in your area.

5) Apparently finding a pediatrician is a HUGE deal, and you will be judged (at least at my OBs office) if you don’t have one at the beginning of the third trimester.

6) I have missed writing.  I felt like I was floating through my pregnancy a little lost, and I realized that its because I had documented SO much of the early part, I was missing some key things in this one.

7) Not everyone gets great ultrasound pictures of their baby. I have picture after picture of my baby’s penis.  He is SUPER proud of his penis, and felt that it was really all any of us needed to see to make sure he was ok.

And last, but CERTAINLY not least

8) As you all know, we are having a boy.  Apparently boys pee when air hits their penis! So when you change a diaper you are like a target. While I have never experienced this first-hand (never changed a diaper in my life) I have had this confirmed by several sources. Ummmmm…that is not ok.

So I will be back writing. There is a lot going on in this mamma’s life and it all deserves to be documented. I mean– he tried really hard to get here, the least I can do is memorialize it…right?

 

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17 weeks down, I still don’t glow, and drama-baby saga continues.

Ok…so maybe the glow is a metaphorical glow.  Other people say I glow, I however, feel like I am either glowing from sweat (I get hot) or glowing from just taking a bath (I like to soak in warm water) or glowing from the low-grade fever I have had off and on due to this cold I can’t seem to get rid of…but whatever it is, I want to glow because I feel good!  🙂

Anyways…glow-rant is over.  Now on to the fact that this baby refuses to do anything without some sort of climactic build-up. Dr. P said that its b/c its a product of two independent thinkers and it likes to do things at its own pace.  I say its b/c it is 50% Jesse and well, we all know how he is!  Me on the other hand?  I am not stubborn at all.  I go with the flow and am pretty much the most predictable person known to man (queue the thunderous laughter).  So why am I calling baby Walker an “it”?  Well, thats because I like a climactic build up too!

So we went in for our 16 week check-up and we were supposed to just have an OB exam and doppler for the heartbeat.  I was giving Dr. Hsaio a hard time, bc since our last appointment we had decided to find out the sex, and we weren’t scheduled for an ultrasound until 20 weeks. Well….as he dopplered around I noticed that he kept finding MY heartbeat, but not baby Walker’s. He started joking around about how if we wanted to find the sex out today, he could go clear out ultrasound.  We said, “ok” and he left.  I turned to Jesse and said, “you know he is taking us to ultrasound bc he couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat…right?”  Jesse isn’t an idiot, he knew, and so we waited.  As we walked to ultrasound, Dr. H casually mentioned that we will also get to hear the “hiding heartbeat”.

Oh hiding heartbeat.  Why must you be so elusive?  That day was my first belly ultrasound. I am more familiar with “the wand” so the gel was a shock to my system!  As he moved the ultrasound tool around, we saw a little baby, wiggling its butt, and clearly asleep.  We were used to seeing a dancing fetus, but today it was just chilling…chilling with a heartbeat of 148  bpm. JERK!  Why you gotta scare your parents like that?!  I was so focused on hearing that little heartbeat, that when Dr. H was shaking things around to get the baby to open its legs, I almost missed it when he said, “which one of you has something hanging between your legs? That’s right….it’s a boy”.  That man cracks me up!  As I wrote that sentence, I repeated it in my head in his voice.  So yes…baby Walker is baby BOY Walker. We are big on boys in our family. Considering Fiona won’t allow us to bring in another girl, we dodged a bullet there!

So according to Dr. H and everything I read, I apparently should start feeling the baby in some form in the next few weeks. We got our preliminary chromosomal testing done and everything is checking out.  We did one more big guns test, the Harmony test, to give us insight into anything else that may be going on. All in all, we are just chugging along. Not going to lie and say that I am not freaked out all the time.  I am so afraid that something is going to go wrong, and since I don’t have another appointment until 12/5, I have to just hope all is ok.  But other than all of the above, everything is good in baby Walker land!

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Baby prisons….pregnancy guilt…and trying to be normal

We are almost 12 weeks now, so we are in the throws of researching all of the things we absolutely “need” for #theclaw. Stores like Babies R Us totally stress me out with their shelves of stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I am sure most of it is helpful and some of it is necessary, but it seems a bit like over-kill to me. The search for the perfect stroller, crib, car seat, swing, etc is enough to make a type-A google-aholic go crazy.  I find myself in a blur when I am comparing everything…and I have to keep telling myself that at the end of the day I can probably put a diaper on the kid, give it a wooden spoon and a boob and it will be fine 🙂 However, that doesn’t eliminate my anxiety over building the best environment we can for #theclaw.

Furniture is causing me one of the biggest headaches yet. Cribs are hideous.  They either look like giant headboards with rails (b/c 75% are “convertible” beds) or monstrous wooden prisons. For such a necessary piece of furniture to be so ugly and cheap looking is beyond me.  I am not going to spend thousands of dollars for one that looks just like a cheaper one…only with more elaborate railings and end pieces. I have an amazing company that makes solid wood gorgeous furniture for me (You’re Unique–based in Georgia http://www.youreunique.net/, btw) but they won’t make me a crib for liability reasons.  I get it…but I am just so used to having quality furniture from them, that I am comparing everything to what they made me. We found one at Pottery Barn Kids, but I don’t like the color. I found an iron one, but I am afraid it will be too girly…and well we aren’t finding out what we are having….and well, after typing that, I realized I really don’t care.  So we will continue to search…eventually we will find something, and if not, COSTCO makes really nice dog beds and I am thinking the baby will be fine in that for a few months…right?

Pregnancy guilt.  Over the last 8 months I have become part of several infertility groups. I have seen, on many occasions, women in these groups get angry when someone announces they are pregnant.  It gets worse when their pregnant friends complain about things like morning sickness, or being uncomfortable. Because of their reactions, I have been very quiet in the groups that I once found supportive. But this blog is MY safe haven. I am going to be honest…being pregnant has not been easy on me. I have not had morning sickness…I have had all day sickness, that tends to get worse at night.  I have come down with a stomach virus and sinus infection (and now cold) that I can’t take anything for, because I am pregnant.  You are basically forced to suffer.  Don’t get me wrong…I am thrilled that #theclaw is growing healthy inside my belly, and I wouldn’t change any of it….but being pregnant is something that I was not prepared for, and I am only in my first trimester.

I don’t know that I will be what I consider “normal” ever again. In 7 months, #theclaw will actually be here, and my normal today is me, Jesse and our 5 fur-kids.  Right now something else has more control over my body than I do. In the past two weeks I have been more exhausted than I thought a person could be. I have been sicker than I have been in probably 10 years (except when I had food poisoning). I am trying to stay engaged with my day to day life, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was a struggle. They say that you start feeling more “pregnant normal” in the second trimester.  Here’s to hoping that “they” are correct. Also…here’s to hoping I can wear maternity clothes soon…jeans with sweatpants on top? YES PLEASE!

Oh…and here is the last pic of #theclaw for 4 weeks…(please note, this was taken a couple days shy of 12 weeks, bc someone thought burrowing into my uterus was fun — FYI, it causes cramping and some bleeding..so it’s not fun for mom):

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