Tag Archives: Invitro

I’m not pregnant….and I am not a failure.

This is the post I wrote on Monday that sat in my drafts all week. Turns out we had implantation and I was pregnant, but pregnancy was ” chemical”. We have several paths to choose from, and I’ll write about that later…. But this post deserved to be posted. PLEASE, no I’m sorry’s or it will happen next time/sometime/soon etc. I am not sharing this for sympathy, I’m sharing so that anyone else out there who may be experiencing similar challenges will know they are not alone. We are down, but not out. I refuse to be owned by something I can’t control.

POST FROM LAST MONDAY:

Funny….that was way easier to type than I thought. As I sit here, it is hard to not go through the last few weeks and try to find that one thing that made our cycle unsuccessful. Truth be told, there isn’t a “one thing”. My body just wasn’t ready or prepared to be pregnant. I cried for an hour yesterday. I cried harder than I could remember. Then I did. Then I remembered. I cried that hard a year ago when we had our miscarriage.

I can’t say that I am a ball of emotion right now, because I really am not. I am sad. I am frustrated. But more than anything, I am annoyed that my body robbed me from even a full two week wait. One of the things you are almost guaranteed during infertility treatments is a two week wait. With all the meds they give you, it practically forces your body to not have a period. Well, forces everyone but me. In true Mindy fashion, nobody or nothing forces me to do anything. 

I can’t say that I didn’t know this was a possibility. I did. In my head I knew that we still had a big chance that this wouldn’t work, but in my heart I knew it HAD to work. There is a difference between what the head knows and what the heart wants, and I have been so conflicted during this process. I am a rational person, despite what some would say, and yet as I go through this the rational side of me often disappears and I become someone who can’t and doesn’t want to listen to reason.

As I was having my meltdown yesterday, I was telling Jesse things like “I am a failure” and “I don’t want to do this anymore”, when I know for damn certain, I am not a failure. Despite everything that has happened recently (including things outside of trying to get pregnant), I am not a broken person. I am not a failure. I don’t need anyone, including myself, to handle me with kid gloves. And I do want to keep trying. We have 5 frozen embryos that are sitting there waiting for their chance to become our baby. 

We really do have so much to be thankful for. Our families are incredibly supportive, and we both couldn’t be surrounded by more love. Friends have been throwing their love and support our way throughout this entire process, and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that is. Jesse is 100% healthy and is going to take his Krav Maga black belt test this week, which he will undoubtedly rock. Our doctor and nurses are some of the most amazing people I have encountered on earth, and I consider myself lucky to be a patient of theirs. And finally, Jesse and I are so lucky to have one another. I know everyone says that about their spouse, but I truly mean it. 

We will make it through all of this. We will find an end to our journey. While I hope that end means we will have a child, I know that regardless of what happens, the end will not be lonely. 

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Life really does come full circle….and some pretty cool pictures.

We did our embryo transfer on Saturday August 2, 2014.  You have to go in with a full bladder, and for some reason that was REALLY hard for me. In an hour I drank over 32 ounces of fluid and…nothing.  Then there was the small vein plague, I’ve talked about that before…they are just itty-bitty. But after all of that, we put these two little bad boys in (btw, Thanks to the always wonderful Dr. Perloe, the AMAZING nurse Tracy, Cynthia who was our anesthesiologist at retrieval, and the embryologist, who took care of me):

IMG_2928

That is pretty cool, right?  Jesse doesn’t think they look ANYTHING like him, and his brother Joe says it looks like cauliflower was the dad, but we were all really excited. All 10 made it to Saturday. Some were stronger than others, but these two were the best and the others we are going to try to have make it to day 5 and then freeze them.  It was really fun to text my family and friends with the picture of the embryos, and who knew how AWESOME it was going to be to see them.  Science is so freaking cool!

So the full circle thing. I realized on August 3, that it was my in-law’s Joe and Alla’s wedding anniversary.  It being their anniversary, also means it was the anniversary of when we conceived the baby we lost last year. Just take my word for it that I know EXACTLY when that baby was conceived. Almost a year to the date, we put these embryos into my uterus. So weird. I can’t even remember the person I was a year ago. I remember the loss. I remember the pain. But I don’t remember the person. I have learned and grown so much, and Jesse and I have definitely grown as a couple. I am so incredibly proud of us.

Now the fun stuff!  Not only was this transfer done a year later than the previous pregnancy, but we also transferred two embryos on NATIONAL TWINS DAY! FREAKY! The universe is so funny. 🙂 So like my previous IUIs, IVF is no different, we are now in a two week wait. We are supposed to go in August 18th for our beta test….I won’t last that long. Not sure why mine is 16 days after transfer, but we will see!!  

Few things to end with: 

1) The good family news I couldn’t spill last week was that Jesse’s sister married her long-time girlfriend Jen in July! So excited for them.  Both of them are super smart history Phd candidates and we can’t wait to see them to celebrate.

2) I couldn’t sleep last night because the whole time I was thinking about what I would tell a group of women who were looking at going down their own infertility paths. I don’t know why I was consumed by the thought, but all I can think of is maybe I need to find an additional forum to try and help outside my blog. I don’t know what that forum is, but I feel like it is something that I need to look for!

3) The final count was: 17 eggs retrieved, 13 mature, 10 fertilized, 2 transferred and 5 made it to blast and are now frozen. (Which means that there are 5 little Jesse/Mindy babies waiting to be put in at any moment)

4) These two crazy kids, made those two embryos above! (This was from egg retrieval): IMG_3791

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Egg Retrieval isn’t as scary as it sounds…

So today was the day for our egg retrieval. As a self-proclaimed google addict, I had read everything possible about the process. And much like everything else in this process, the retrieval was not nearly as traumatic as I had anticipated it being. In fact, it was so easy I feel bad for worrying!

I have said a million times how lucky we are to have an amazing doctor and group of nurses and staff at Georgia Reproductive, and today was no different. These folks literally have my heart. They have made something so stressful and scary, into something that I can only describe in one word…pleasurable.  Who would describe infertility as pleasurable?  Well, THIS KID!  I can’t stress how important it is finding the right place for your journey.  This isn’t a cake walk…but the people who you see weekly become an important piece to the puzzle.  I have read on so many forums and boards how people question what their doctors are doing, and become frustrated with how or when their nurses respond, and I am a firm believer in moving on. If you don’t have 100% confidence in what these folks are doing for you, then you are either 1) Not ready or 2) Not at the right place.  Believe me, I am not saying you can’t ask questions about why they are doing certain things, but remember that they should know what they are doing.  If you don’t have confidence in their abilities…then move on.  However, I will caution you that there is a lot of bad info out there, so before you move on, make sure you aren’t being irrational or worse, an internet know it all.

Anyways, back to the retrieval….we got 17 eggs!! That is a good number according to everyone in the room.  As of this morning, I have gotten the most eggs of the women in the study, and I was joking around that I like winning, so if anyone gets more than 17…I am going in for another 🙂 Obviously I am kidding, but it gets me through the day!  The process was really easy. I walked in and was taken back to change into an awesome gown, hair net and booties. Amy, Keebler, Jaclyn, Rebecca and a million other ladies came back to wish us luck and then they did the IV.  I have really small veins, so that was a bit challenging, but it worked. 10 minutes later I was taken back to the procedure room, I was strapped on to a table, joked around with Dr. P as usual, and then it was lights out.  I woke up 20-25 minutes later without eggs and with Jesse standing there.

Now we wait. We will find out tomorrow morning how many eggs fertilized and become embryos…and then we will transfer two of the strongest ones on Saturday. They said, on average, 75% of the eggs fertilize, so that would mean 12-13 of ours would.  Fingers crossed we get that many and fingers crossed they make it until Saturday!

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