I always get to this point in my life where it hits me that I live my life for everyone else. I eventually emerge, and it usually only happens once a year. Unfortunately, it is happening more and more.
How do people “adult”, but still have time for themselves? I take stock of my time constantly– where can I give up even an hour to invest in me? And for the life of me, quite honestly, I can’t find it. I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle. I work to pay my bills and to make sure Elliott and I have good health insurance.
My mom already helps me so that I can actually work 9-5, and by the time I get home at 5:30-6:00, I’m ready to spend 3 hours with the little boy that calls me mom. The level of guilt that consumes me bc I don’t have the chance to spend more time with him is alarming. I blame myself for the fact that he’s not potty trained. I blame myself for the short fuse I often have bc I’m just so tired sometimes.
So many people say, “you just have to make time for you, bc it will make you a better mom” — and yet where do I look to insert that hour? Someone else is already taking my 9-5 hours, I’m not going to give up another, just bc I want “me” time. It’s not an excuse, it’s a reality. A reality that allows me to feel a little less guilt than I already do. I was never given the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Quite frankly, I love working. However, I would love to also have an identity outside of work and being a mom.
I find myself looking at other’s lives and envying their balance. Wondering how they seem to have it all. A ton of time with their kid(s), quality time with their partner, going to the gym 3-5 times a week, a great job and the list goes on. I know that perceptions aren’t reality. I know everyone has their own struggles. But at some point, any point, I want to be the one that has doesn’t have to hold it together. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
So instead, I’ll continue to travel down this path. Fight the frustrations, jealousy and disappointment in my head, and be thankful that I have a little boy who calls me mom, an amazing job that provides us what we need, a family who never stops supporting me, and a boyfriend who’s love fills every spot that’s left in my heart.