I just realized that I haven’t written in over a year. Aside from that making me sad, it also is so illustrative of my life. I have a history of becoming over-whelmed and using life as an excuse to quit. I mean, I think we all do. We are all busy….whether its self-imposed or what I deem as “real”.
I think it is pretty safe to say that my life has changed drastically from where I was a year ago. I still have the head-strong little boy (who is now 3). But my struggle with his hearing aid is no more (my last blog post). Now I struggle with potty training, temper tantrums when he feels he is a victim of mommy oppression, and balancing co-parenting with two very conflicting schedules and needs. Regardless, he is a happy, healthy little boy who is surrounded by love, adventure and constant support (and in case you need to see what awesome looks like.)
As I look back, I find myself asking “where has the time gone”? I can remember working so hard to have this little boy. Then working so hard to settle into our new life in Louisville. And then working so hard to re-build my life after everything I had planned and built ended abruptly. To be honest, the past year has been a blur. But even as a blur, it has been amazing. I have been so lucky to fall in love with someone who decided that a twice-divorced woman with a three-year old wasn’t totally undatable. I have managed to stay sane through my first year of preschool. And I only had 2-3 life-sized meltdowns where I felt like I just couldn’t anymore.
Balance is, and always has been, difficult for me. Whether its life, food, ANYTHING! I have always yearned for the ability to not feel overwhelmed with life, and still get it all done. You know…like those super-moms? The ones that handle it all, workout every day, and then throw out a perfectly cooked meal at the end of it all. I admit that I view life as an overwhelming challenge every day. One that starts at the beginning of the day, and its up to me (alone) to beat that challenge into submission by bedtime. It’s not the healthiest way to look at life…and I am slowly starting to realize that.
I realized recently that I can no longer be “Elasti-girl”. I can’t be the one who stretches to fit everyone else’s needs, at the expense of mine. While she is an awesome super-hero, I am not. I am one person, trying to do the best I can with the resources and life that was presented in front of me. Even after realizing it, I have still found myself stretching to fix other people’s issues, or try to solve problems at the expense of me. However, no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I will ever be free and clear of that. I have come to realize that “fixing” is part of my personality. I would rather be the person to fix a situation, than be the person who could have fixed it, but didn’t.
So it goes back to balance. Like everything else. Balancing the “yes” with the “no’s”. Being ok saying “no” when it doesn’t fit what I need at that time.
So in an effort to reclaim me, I have started working out 3-4 days a week at Burn Boot Camp – Louisville (https://burnbootcamp.com/locations/louisville-ky/). This place really is special…and that comes from someone who hates working out. The environment is supportive. I feel good after each class (even though I hate it..well I kinda love it too). I have booked my calendar with the camps that I am going to, and that time is when I am saying “yes” to me. No matter what anyone needs from me at that time…I am saying “no” (with the exception of Elliott).
Time will tell if I am able to continue to say yes to me. Time will tell if others are able to accept that I am putting myself first sometimes. Because at the end of the day its always about two things: Balance and Time.