August 2016. Seems like such a long time ago. And yet its not even been a year. That month went in slow motion for me. So slow that I can remember every action and reaction like it was yesterday. August was full of lies. A lot of yelling. A lot of crying. A lot of begging. A lot of betrayal. But most importantly a lot of change. Within 15 days, my life went from one end of the spectrum to another. Its taken me awhile to realize that the writing was on the wall. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. I should have realized that I was being replaced by someone else.
Its hard to accept that you are no longer what your partner wants, or feels like they need. A person who you decided to build a family with, suddenly becomes a stranger within your own home. But thats what happened. Everyone on the outside thought we were the perfect team. Hell…I thought we were the perfect team. But teammates doesn’t equate to life partners. Think about it, nobody is on a team for their whole life. Teams change as you get older. As you get better (or worse). Yes, some people stay on a team longer than others, but nobody is there forever. I think thats where it all went wrong.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that I feel like a failure. Not looking for anyone to tell me I am not, its just the truth. I didn’t want to be 39, divorced (twice), raising a two-year old and basically starting all over again. It’s not the most stellar feeling. However, what has been interesting, is that I don’t wake up missing him. I don’t yearn to be back together and living the life we were. I kind of feel like I was living a lie. A really good and elaborate lie. So when I say I feel like a failure, its not because my marriage didn’t work…its more because I feel like I failed myself. I let myself become someone I wasn’t. I lost who I was, and spent 10 years enabling someone else to be a better version of themselves…all the while sacrificing me. No…no I am not saying I am a martyr. I made decisions that I thought were the best for me at the time. Looking back, I can now say, that I am not sure those were the right decisions. I got Elliott from making some questionable decisions, so there was some good that came from it.
The crying ,yelling and begging in August haunts me to this day. Not because of what happened at the end of it, but because I have finally come to understand the motivation behind it. I was yelling and fighting against failure. I was yelling and fighting against the fear of having to start a new life. I was not yelling, fighting and begging to save my marriage…..I didn’t want to.