I’m not pregnant….and I am not a failure.

This is the post I wrote on Monday that sat in my drafts all week. Turns out we had implantation and I was pregnant, but pregnancy was ” chemical”. We have several paths to choose from, and I’ll write about that later…. But this post deserved to be posted. PLEASE, no I’m sorry’s or it will happen next time/sometime/soon etc. I am not sharing this for sympathy, I’m sharing so that anyone else out there who may be experiencing similar challenges will know they are not alone. We are down, but not out. I refuse to be owned by something I can’t control.

POST FROM LAST MONDAY:

Funny….that was way easier to type than I thought. As I sit here, it is hard to not go through the last few weeks and try to find that one thing that made our cycle unsuccessful. Truth be told, there isn’t a “one thing”. My body just wasn’t ready or prepared to be pregnant. I cried for an hour yesterday. I cried harder than I could remember. Then I did. Then I remembered. I cried that hard a year ago when we had our miscarriage.

I can’t say that I am a ball of emotion right now, because I really am not. I am sad. I am frustrated. But more than anything, I am annoyed that my body robbed me from even a full two week wait. One of the things you are almost guaranteed during infertility treatments is a two week wait. With all the meds they give you, it practically forces your body to not have a period. Well, forces everyone but me. In true Mindy fashion, nobody or nothing forces me to do anything. 

I can’t say that I didn’t know this was a possibility. I did. In my head I knew that we still had a big chance that this wouldn’t work, but in my heart I knew it HAD to work. There is a difference between what the head knows and what the heart wants, and I have been so conflicted during this process. I am a rational person, despite what some would say, and yet as I go through this the rational side of me often disappears and I become someone who can’t and doesn’t want to listen to reason.

As I was having my meltdown yesterday, I was telling Jesse things like “I am a failure” and “I don’t want to do this anymore”, when I know for damn certain, I am not a failure. Despite everything that has happened recently (including things outside of trying to get pregnant), I am not a broken person. I am not a failure. I don’t need anyone, including myself, to handle me with kid gloves. And I do want to keep trying. We have 5 frozen embryos that are sitting there waiting for their chance to become our baby. 

We really do have so much to be thankful for. Our families are incredibly supportive, and we both couldn’t be surrounded by more love. Friends have been throwing their love and support our way throughout this entire process, and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that is. Jesse is 100% healthy and is going to take his Krav Maga black belt test this week, which he will undoubtedly rock. Our doctor and nurses are some of the most amazing people I have encountered on earth, and I consider myself lucky to be a patient of theirs. And finally, Jesse and I are so lucky to have one another. I know everyone says that about their spouse, but I truly mean it. 

We will make it through all of this. We will find an end to our journey. While I hope that end means we will have a child, I know that regardless of what happens, the end will not be lonely. 

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2 thoughts on “I’m not pregnant….and I am not a failure.

  1. I have told my husband time and time again how much of a failure I am at not being able to get and maintain a pregnancy. I too know that I am not truly a failure but it’s hard to not feel that way. I think that hope, faith and love are what get me through those moments. The hope that I will one day be a mommy, the faith that a God will provide for me and the love of my husband, family and friends.

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