I promised to be honest and open, and that includes when I do stupid things, so I have to admit I broke the #1 rule when it comes to trying to conceive a baby through IUI/IVF. I tested too early. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I POAS at 10 dpIUI* and of course it was negative. (Go ahead Dr. P…tell me I shouldn’t have done it…I know) I was not one of the women who got the faint line early, which in my head means that this didn’t work. I rationalized the early testing due to the “symptoms” I was having. Remember my earlier post about symptom spotting? Well, I fell victim. I forgot that the progesterone’s side effects are basically “you are pregnant, but maybe not” and I broke down and cracked open a box of First Response.
I guess my desire to win even comes through with trying to have a baby. You see, I love winning. I like being the best. I always have. It’s not something that I am nasty about. I don’t do anything unethical or illegal to win, I just try harder in most situations. But with this, I can’t try harder. There is nothing I can do. Sure I could lose some weight, which has become infinitely more difficult during this process, but even then I see women all around me who are much heavier than I am getting pregnant. So I lay here feeling helpless, and feeling like I let myself and Jesse down every time I get a negative. The rational part of me knows that I don’t let Jesse down, ever. He knows there is nothing I can do, and believe me, there is nothing more in the world he would rather do than to fix this….whatever that means.
The one thing that has come from this, is we have decided to move to IVF if this one truly didn’t work. We are already $4,000 in with two IUIs and our IVF is going to be expensive, so we need to try and conserve as much money as we can in the process. Not going to lie and say I don’t feel let down and frustrated, but I guess it’s not over yet.
So as I have said before….1 hour pity party. I made a mistake. I tested too early. I got a negative. I won’t test again until Saturday.
For those keeping score: Infertility – 1 / Mindy – 0
*POAS and 10dpiui – Peed on a stick (pregnancy test) and 10 days past IUI.